Listen to the G.T.O. read its own announcement
A word that gets over used and over hyped is “innovation”. Why single out a few features as a revolutionary advancement in your product, when in all honesty these additions are just evolutionary in nature? How can you redefine a term like “Inovation” in a business that now thrives and depends on you buying the same thing each year? More to the point, why should you bother? We looked deep within ourselves and asked these questions, along with what indian food places delivered to our area, when we considered our next step in refreshing the hastily but lovingly cobbled together G.T.O. As you no doubt remember, the G.T.O. was our initial splash in to the note taking pool.
Last year we took mature technologies to a whole new level. This year we were kind of looking to do something bold and new and fresh. Then we sobered up and realized that we could just release an accessory to the G.T.O. and then go play “hanging With Friends” for the next three months of the Development Cycle instead. With this goal in mind we sent out for some great Chicken Vindaloo and began the 35-minute wait for the food to arrive by designing our newest addition to the G.T.O. product line.
What if you took the flexibility of the G.T.O. and combined it with the power of portability? 30 hours of battery life sounds pretty attractive, right? But aren’t you so tired of companies advertising long battery life and never living up to expectations? Wouldn’t it be nice if you, the user, had full control of how long your battery lasts? Well, dream no more! We are excited to unveil our fantastic new accessory, the Somewhat Unwhieldy, cumbersome kinetic energy recharger, for your G.T.O. device.
Now you can enjoy your G.T.O. on the beach, in the airport or just about anywhere you need to be with the knowledge that your device’s battery life is in your capable hands. The S.U.C.K.E.R. gets its energy from your body motion, not from some antiquated wall outlet. Need to send an important tweet about the delicious sandwich you just ate? The G.T.O. doesn’t support Twitter, but if it did, all you’d have to do is do the hokey pokey for 15 minutes, and the S.U.C.K.E.R. could deliver just enough power to your G.T.O. unit to allow for the input of those precious 140 characters. And remember, you’re not getting your power from the electric company. It’s coming right from your own awkwardly flailing self.
How green is that? But wait! We can be even greener. We have created the carrying cases for all our products out of clothing we have found from the finest of second hand stores. This means that every carrying case is highly unique, blending an array of colors and fabrics in a way that’s sure to grab the attention of everyone. Yellow corduroy and purple polyester is just one stunning example that we’ve created. We have also worked to repurpose all our plastics by melting down a virtually endless supply of AOL SignUp Discs we have collected over the years, and we smear this mixture haphazardly on every carrying case to give it that shiny look.
But we didn’t stop there. At the launch of the G.T.O. last year, we heard from lead developer Rusty Mettles about his inspiration for the product. This year, he had this to say about the S.U.C.K.E.R.: “I was reading this awesome book about a contest to find an Easter egg in an online virtual world. All the references to 1980s geek culture and old technology really resonated with me. But another thing that got my attention was the part where the kid charged the battery in his space heater by working out on an exercise bike. I thought, poor kid, if only he’d had a dog to do that for him.”
While the rest of the team gulped Jolt Cola and debated whether Kirk or Picard was the better captain, Rusty Mettles set out to build the Rotational Operating Flywheel Linkature, or ROFL. With the R.O.FL., you can use that lazy service animal that lies listlessly at your feet to power your devices. Using our pattent pending “PawsAtraction” technology, your service animal can climb inside the 6 foot in diameter wheel to spin your devices back into the green in no time. Just place the optional squeak toy, rawhide bone or Bacon Bite a little out of reach of your furry capacitor and you are off to clean, green battery bliss.
Need a cumbersome and unwieldy way to haul around your cumbersome and unwieldy device and accessories? How about the collapsible rolling cart. Well, it’s more of a little red wagon than a cart, but it does collapse whenever the S.U.C.K.E.R. or the R.O.F.L. is placed on it.
But why take our word for how fantastic these new accessories are. Instead, read this testimonial from Mrs. Myrtle Shleppenhauser and judge for yourselves.
“Last year, Mr. Shleppenhauser, maybe I should just call him Fred. Anyway, Fred got me the G.T.O. for our fiftieth wedding anniversary. All our friends were going on cruises, but not us. My Fred wanted to give me a gift that would leave it’s mark on the world. This year, when Fred heard about all this exciting stuff, he said he’d have no argument from me. So he went right out, and he sold his dentures and his toupee. He bought me a shiny new S.U.C.K.E.R., an R.O.F.L., and, of course, that collapsible cart.
“So here I was, on the day of our anniversary. I had just let Fluffy–he’s my Rotweiler guide dog–back in the house, when I felt this strange rumbling, and it got louder and louder. Then I heard my Fred shout, “I love you, Myrtle!” Then there was a crash so loud, it scared Fluffy and me real bad. There was a puddle on the floor, but I guess I won’t say any more about that.
“So, I went outside, and right in front of the door was my wonderful gift. The cart did collapse, just like the ad said, and there wasn’t a dent or scratch on any of it. At first, I thought one of them pretty carry cases got stuck under the wheels, but they were fine. My Fred, as the younger generation says, “Not so much.” A neighbor told me he saw the exact point when it all went downhill, and I mean literally downhill. We live at the bottom of Mile High Hill. Fred was doing pretty well until the cart picked up some momentum. I don’t want to say it ran him over and collapsed on him. I much rather think of it that now, my Fred has the long, lean body he has always dreamed of.
And the S.U.C.K.E.R. and this other fine stuff has made my dreams come true. Thank you Fred, and thank you, Serotek. My life will never be the same!”
So what are you waiting for? Pick up the phone to order your S.U.C.K.E.R., fashionable carrying case, R.O.F.L. and collapsible rolling cart today. We’ll be happy to take your … oh … Indian food is here. We’ll be too busy cramming our mouths with vindaloo and naan to take your order. Chimpanzee-Bonobo hybrids are standing by.
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